Things to Consider When Contemplating Living With an Aged Parent - 3

Will you have your own space(s)?

A very serious thing to consider is if you will have your own separate spaces.  Will the parent be living in an in-law apartment?

If so, will you all-everyone living together-respect each other's space?

Here's the thing.  All people are different.  Everyone has their boundaries of what they consider acceptable encroachment and what they consider off limits.

If your boundaries are widely different and one of the parties will not respect the boundaries of any of the other parties, it's not going to be a peaceful and safe living environment.

An introvert who likes their personal space to be private(e.g. their bedroom) confronted with an uninvited person entering their space will feel very deeply violated.  Even if they aren't in that space at the time.



If you have your own space and you can set down ground rules that will be obeyed you may be ok.  I have known people who have been through this and done well when everyone has their own space.  Not just your own bedroom.  Think in-law suite.  Think neighboring apartments.

Really consider everything when you are thinking about moving in with a parent.  I'm thinking that most people who do this have good intentions.  Most people don't want to ruin their relationship with their parent or in-law.  They want to help take care of them.  They want to make sure they are safe or getting the health care they need.  And I do know that there are people who just don't have a choice.  But I'm asking you to consider your health, your marriage, your relationship with your kids before you take any drastic action.




Disclaimer:  I realize that I may sound really bad in these posts.  Because, like, I'm supposed to be a Christian and all that.  I have struggled for five years with this issue.  Thinking I'm a bad person, I'm a bad Christian because I just can't "die to self" enough to continue in our living situation.  I have beat myself up almost daily for five years.  Five years.  Maybe I am a bad person.  Maybe I am a product of American Individualism.  Whatever I am, I do not feel emotionally safe in the home I live in.  And neither do my kids.  So I have come to the conclusion that we have to go.  Home HAS to be safe.  It just has to.  And I'm okay with that.

Things to Consider When Contemplating Living With an Aged Parent - 2

Again, I'm not an expert.  And the situation I'm talking about is living in and sharing daily space with an aging parent for the duration.  Not a temporary situation where Mom or Dad comes to stay with you on their way to a different space or vise-versa.


Ask yourself if your spouse loves being around this parent.

As with yesterday's post, if your spouse can't get enough of said parent or parents and never ever wants them to leave, you might be okay living with them.  But, there are other things to consider.

Is the spouse-parent relationship healthy?  Will having this parent(or parents) around 24/7 be a detriment in any way to your marriage.  If you can't say no, without a doubt, then don't co-habitate with the parental units.

Will the parent try to use you against your spouse?

Will the parent try to use your spouse against you?

Will either of you try to use the parent against each other?

OK.  Be honest.  You are not an idiot.  Don't insult your own intelligence by lying to yourself.  You have eyes and ears and at least a basic level of intuition.  You have probably known the people involved long enough to see things that could be warning flags.

Now that we are clear that you are to be honest, because you owe that to yourself when considering such a life altering change.  Will this be a healthy situation for your marriage?  You're being honest now.  Because you don't have to comment, you don't have to write these things down, you don't even have to share them verbally.  And you DON'T have to feel GUILTY about wanting to protect your marriage.  Don't ever feel guilty about prioritizing your marriage.

Think about it.  Is there any reason for you to believe that this could strain your relationship with your spouse?

If you have any reservations about how this will affect your marriage.  Don't do it.

Things to consider when deciding to move in with an aging parent 4

Does this parent NEED the help of someone living with them full time?

Is the parent infirm in some way?  Do they need care or supervision?

If they really don't,  consider letting them have this time to themselves.

I know one senior whose plans for life and homestead would be seriously compromised if their kids moved in with them.

I know another senior who has benefited and enjoyed having their son and daughter in law live with them.

I  know a family whose dad/granddad refused to come live with them.

I know a family who got along fine together but had separate living spaces.

I really think you need to know yourself well and try to know the parent well enough to know if you can make it work.

Now.  I'm going to write something positive.
If we had not gotten into this situation,  we would not be moving into an amazing house that is basically a dream house for us.  I am very thankful that God has provided this opportunity for us and that we can start fresh.  I need a fresh start.

Things to Consider When Contemplating Living With an Aged Parent 1

I am going to do a series of posts on this topic.  Not because I'm an expert, but because I've been there and failed and am moving on.

Here is the first thing I have to say on this topic.

Ask yourself beforehand--When this parent comes to my house, do I wish they would stay forever and never leave?  If you have a parent or parents whose company you enjoy so much that you just can't get enough of them, then you may be okay living with them.  If, however, you have a time limit at which you start to get antsy
and feel like you just need to go home or for them to go home- then it's probably not a good idea to move in with them.