Something positive

Today I had to drive an hour plus one way to take my mom to a doctor appointment.

While I was in the Annapolis area I took my daughter to see a pony she loves who is very ill and is going to have to be put down.

I also was able to arrange a make-up horseback riding lesson while we were up here so I wouldn't have to drive back up this evening or hang around until this evening.

So three good things.  I helped my mom, helped my daughter say goodbye to a friend, and saved some time by getting in a needed make-up lesson.

3 weeks post move

Like I've said in previous posts, we lived with a parent and it didn't work out.   We moved into our own house about 3 weeks ago.  From all indications everyone is in a better place emotionally.

My mother-in-law is able to do whatever she wants whenever she wants and however she wants.

I am able to be a homemaker again.  To be a mother and a homemaker was always my personal dream.  So I'm living my dream.

I should never have consented to moving in with my mother-in-law.  It was a very deep betrayal of me by me.

I don't have all the answers of what constitutes a good enough relationship that it can survive living together.   Just really be honest with yourself about who you are and who they are and decide according to the truth.  Not your fantasy.

Things to Consider When Contemplating Living With an Aged Parent - 3

Will you have your own space(s)?

A very serious thing to consider is if you will have your own separate spaces.  Will the parent be living in an in-law apartment?

If so, will you all-everyone living together-respect each other's space?

Here's the thing.  All people are different.  Everyone has their boundaries of what they consider acceptable encroachment and what they consider off limits.

If your boundaries are widely different and one of the parties will not respect the boundaries of any of the other parties, it's not going to be a peaceful and safe living environment.

An introvert who likes their personal space to be private(e.g. their bedroom) confronted with an uninvited person entering their space will feel very deeply violated.  Even if they aren't in that space at the time.



If you have your own space and you can set down ground rules that will be obeyed you may be ok.  I have known people who have been through this and done well when everyone has their own space.  Not just your own bedroom.  Think in-law suite.  Think neighboring apartments.

Really consider everything when you are thinking about moving in with a parent.  I'm thinking that most people who do this have good intentions.  Most people don't want to ruin their relationship with their parent or in-law.  They want to help take care of them.  They want to make sure they are safe or getting the health care they need.  And I do know that there are people who just don't have a choice.  But I'm asking you to consider your health, your marriage, your relationship with your kids before you take any drastic action.




Disclaimer:  I realize that I may sound really bad in these posts.  Because, like, I'm supposed to be a Christian and all that.  I have struggled for five years with this issue.  Thinking I'm a bad person, I'm a bad Christian because I just can't "die to self" enough to continue in our living situation.  I have beat myself up almost daily for five years.  Five years.  Maybe I am a bad person.  Maybe I am a product of American Individualism.  Whatever I am, I do not feel emotionally safe in the home I live in.  And neither do my kids.  So I have come to the conclusion that we have to go.  Home HAS to be safe.  It just has to.  And I'm okay with that.

Things to Consider When Contemplating Living With an Aged Parent - 2

Again, I'm not an expert.  And the situation I'm talking about is living in and sharing daily space with an aging parent for the duration.  Not a temporary situation where Mom or Dad comes to stay with you on their way to a different space or vise-versa.


Ask yourself if your spouse loves being around this parent.

As with yesterday's post, if your spouse can't get enough of said parent or parents and never ever wants them to leave, you might be okay living with them.  But, there are other things to consider.

Is the spouse-parent relationship healthy?  Will having this parent(or parents) around 24/7 be a detriment in any way to your marriage.  If you can't say no, without a doubt, then don't co-habitate with the parental units.

Will the parent try to use you against your spouse?

Will the parent try to use your spouse against you?

Will either of you try to use the parent against each other?

OK.  Be honest.  You are not an idiot.  Don't insult your own intelligence by lying to yourself.  You have eyes and ears and at least a basic level of intuition.  You have probably known the people involved long enough to see things that could be warning flags.

Now that we are clear that you are to be honest, because you owe that to yourself when considering such a life altering change.  Will this be a healthy situation for your marriage?  You're being honest now.  Because you don't have to comment, you don't have to write these things down, you don't even have to share them verbally.  And you DON'T have to feel GUILTY about wanting to protect your marriage.  Don't ever feel guilty about prioritizing your marriage.

Think about it.  Is there any reason for you to believe that this could strain your relationship with your spouse?

If you have any reservations about how this will affect your marriage.  Don't do it.

Things to consider when deciding to move in with an aging parent 4

Does this parent NEED the help of someone living with them full time?

Is the parent infirm in some way?  Do they need care or supervision?

If they really don't,  consider letting them have this time to themselves.

I know one senior whose plans for life and homestead would be seriously compromised if their kids moved in with them.

I know another senior who has benefited and enjoyed having their son and daughter in law live with them.

I  know a family whose dad/granddad refused to come live with them.

I know a family who got along fine together but had separate living spaces.

I really think you need to know yourself well and try to know the parent well enough to know if you can make it work.

Now.  I'm going to write something positive.
If we had not gotten into this situation,  we would not be moving into an amazing house that is basically a dream house for us.  I am very thankful that God has provided this opportunity for us and that we can start fresh.  I need a fresh start.

Things to Consider When Contemplating Living With an Aged Parent 1

I am going to do a series of posts on this topic.  Not because I'm an expert, but because I've been there and failed and am moving on.

Here is the first thing I have to say on this topic.

Ask yourself beforehand--When this parent comes to my house, do I wish they would stay forever and never leave?  If you have a parent or parents whose company you enjoy so much that you just can't get enough of them, then you may be okay living with them.  If, however, you have a time limit at which you start to get antsy
and feel like you just need to go home or for them to go home- then it's probably not a good idea to move in with them.

Confusing and Contradictory

So, in the beginning of the school year last year there was this article that I read concerning computer gaming and brain development.  It said that allowing kids to play computer games was causing harm to the parts of the brain that have to do with discipline and delayed gratification.  That basically, they are hard wiring the brain to seek instant gratification and to abhor hard work with delayed gratification.  Actually, the article made it sound like gaming would hard wire the brain to be unable to work hard for delayed results. The researchers came to this conclusion because of the parts of the brain the lit up when they observed the brains of kids playing video games.   The pleasure centers that are associated with instant gratification lit up.

Yesterday, I read an article by a mom that reminded me of the previously mentioned article.  Her point was pretty much the exact opposite.  Her subject was different.  Not about brain development.  Her article was about allowing our kids to value the things that are important to them.  That we shouldn't limit their time and ability to do something they enjoy because we don't see the point.  That we need to offer everything that is good and fun and allow them the time to do and explore those things and then we won't make the thing they love and we don't the ultimate object of their desire.

The second article really made sense to me.  There are adults who are in their forties and fifties who have been messing around with computers and programming since the Commodore 64.  A lot of those adults have become some kind of computer related professional.  Some of them haven't.  But the ones that have, if their parents had restricted their "screen time" when they were teens to something like 30 minutes, would they have ever had the basic knowledge to even know that they wanted to be programmers, software engineers, hardware engineers, or system engineers?  If they hadn't been allowed to build their own programs and games would technology be as far along as it is today?  It's an interesting question.

Maybe my logic is flawed.  I'm not the most logical person I know even though I'm trying to be more logically minded as I mature.  Maybe letting kids play with computers and programming doesn't give them and advantage as adults over adults who didn't have that ability to play with computers.  I guess in thinking about these two articles and also other parenting articles I have read, I realize that everyone has an opinion about parenting and every aspect of parenting and they are all just that.  Opinions.  If I think of myself as a reasonably intelligent person with average reasoning skills, somewhere in the middle, not the smartest and not the dumbest, then why would I value someone else's opinion over my own?  Do I really think I am incapable of taking the information given in an article or report and logically reasoning out whether it seems truthful or realistic?  No, I don't think that.  So I shouldn't let the tone or voice of an article guilt me into feeling like I've made some deadly error while raising my kids.  I can look at them and see that they are intelligent, they are individuals, and they are capable of reasoning when they need to.  Keep in mind that they aren't full grown adults and still need some time to learn self control and mastery of emotions.  Geesh, my teens more mature than a whole lot of adults I know.

Trust your reasoning skills Mom, you aren't an idiot.  Also, listen to your gut because women's intuition is a God given thing. In my opinion.

It Still Exists!

I have a confession to make.  I am obsessed with the Doctor.  Dr. Who.  I am.  Obsessed.

I like it.

I deleted all of my blog posts one day.  Because they were whiny and stuff.  And not much else but complainy.  I didn't know if that's what I wanted out there.

My keyboard was on a forced hiatus and it's rebelling by not letting all the letters work all the time.  The not-working letters rotate.  First it was o,  then it was t, and the space bar.  Maybe I need o vacuum the keyboard.  If you only knew how many times I've backspaced.  :O  (see, the t refused to work and I didn'tfix it so you cansee what I'm dealing with.  See!  The space bar is acting up.)  ARGH!

I found this.    http://walyou.com/tardis-shower/
Which I hope works as a link because blogger has changed since last Iblogged.  Stupidkeybord.  See!

Ok.  I forgot about dinner an stuff so I have to go see to that.

A picture for you!